j.

liability [ˌlaɪəˈbɪlɪtɪ]
n pl -ties
1. the state of being liable
2. (Economics, Accounting & Finance / Banking & Finance) a financial obligation
3. a hindrance or disadvantage
4. likelihood or probability

Thinking about it, you've always had more time for the people who were physically there than me. Though i'm really neutral on that issue. Then again, it really feels unfair, more so than necessary. Should have known maybe ? That you were like so; that being "in the flesh" was important, significant to your "relationships".

But again, that just means people like Nigel always meant more no ? It really didnt matter if he wasnt there for you most of the time, he was still more important.

There was something on my mind last night, on my way home after meeting Eugene. How ironic, yet how apt i guess. And so i
Requote; Quote:

All around me darkness gathers,
Fading is the sun that shone;
We must speak of other matters:
You can be me when I'm gone.

Flowers gathered in the morning,
Afternoon they blossom on,
Still are withered by the evening:
You can be me when I'm gone.

-Sandman Volume 9, The Kindly Ones.

It's been so fast. This marked my 1000th post last year, more than a full year ago. It's been an interesting journey the last 2 half, 3 years or so. Change, cyclic change, until another time maybe.

Somehow, the last service i attended, i knew God had a message for me. I never mentioned it to you, because much later when we got into the first big breakdown a month or so ago, i knew something was being set into motion. There was something telling me, reassuring me that this year will be that of change, of big events that will alter my courses in life.

In a way it comforted me, that leaving Aki wasnt as horrid as it is. But again, it frightened me that something between us was getting wedged wider apart; and i knew it was too big for me to stop. Like a car crash in slow motion, something that cant be stopped, something that tears at you as you just stand-by and watch happen.

While everything feels raw, somewhere in me there is a release, that maybe Derek was true that i make too convincing a sales-pitch. The last 2 months or so were pretty rocky and turbulent. And somehow, i knew that i was doing my best to keep the game going. I mentioned to Eugene last night that, despite how upset i am, i'm really glad that you managed to make the last move. The last few times, i felt and knew, especially on hindsight - when you mentioned feeling trapped - that i have been forcing you into check.

The zugzwang that eventually has to happen, the king is taken;

Checkmate.